Dear Devastated October 2, 2008

So your world just blew up right before your eyes and everything that you thought you knew about your life just evaporated into nothingness.  Now what.

If you have recently discovered that your partner/spouse has been cheating on you then you have come to the right place.  Here you will find a great deal of information, understanding and support on how to deal with the fallout that has resulted from your discovery of this horrific news.

Here we focus on understanding, healing and forgiveness – for you, your partner/spouse, your children (if you have any), and your family & friends.  This does not mean that we excuse anyone’s behaviour or choices and it does not mean that we play the victim.  It means that we work together to be accountable for ourselves and to let others be accountable for themselves.  We don’t play the blame game.

We hope you will find the information here helpful to your healing & personal growth.

As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world… as in being able to remake ourselves.

Mahatma Gandhi

Bonnie’s Story November 3, 2008

Diary of an Affair By Bonnie & Scott Langmeyer, as told to Julie Weingarden Dubin

Bonnie craved more affection from her husband. So she started flirting with some of the guys at work. One day a man flirted back, and soon she found herself willing to break her family apart to be with him. One woman’s story of betrayal…and redemption.

Four years ago I nearly destroyed my family. I crossed a line, letting an office flirtation turn into something more. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn’t make myself turn back. And then my entire world began spinning out of control.

Before that complicated summer of 2001, there had never been anyone else besides my husband, Scott. I’ve known him since I was 13 — we went to different schools, but I’d stare at him in church every Sunday, admiring his amazing smile and gorgeous eyes. I finally approached him at a party during my senior year in high school. He was sweet and shy; we talked for hours.

We started dating soon after that night, and I couldn’t have been happier. My first boyfriend! One way or another, we saw each other every weekend.

I couldn’t stand to be apart from Scott. I loved how he watched out for me. I didn’t have a traditional family: My mom was an alcoholic, so when I was 15, I moved in with my cousins –I call them my guardian parents.

Scott and I dated for five wonderful years and then we got married on August 25, 1989. Lighting the unity candle and looking into each other’s tear-filled eyes was one of our most intimate moments — one of many more to come, I hoped.

After our wedding, we got even closer, doing almost everything together. My husband and I were so inseparable that I occasionally wondered if all that togetherness was normal. But I liked spending time with Scott, so I pushed aside my concerns.

Knowing we wanted to start a family, Scott and I threw ourselves into building our dream house. Scott — who is a carpenter — constructed it, and I helped him with the painting. I didn’t mind the work because we shared the same vision: a beautiful home that our future children would run around in. We were thrilled when I got pregnant later that year, and then gave birth to a healthy baby girl, whom we named Jessie. Everyone thought we were the perfect family — even acquaintances commented about how cute we were together. And when we had a second daughter, Jolie, two years later, people really thought we had it all.

Anyway by Mother Teresa October 29, 2008

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you.

Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and (your) God.

It never was between you and them anyway.”

Anatomy of My Affair by Rebeliever

Writing about My Affair

My affair ended several years ago, but I still feel its deep emotions and am reminded daily of the many ways it changed my life forever. Why am I compelled to write about it now? Because I understand the torment that others go through. Because I wonder if what I know now might help someone else. Maybe my story will mean something to the one caught in a love that pulls away from vows previously made; to the lover who is unfairly judged; to the betrayed spouse who struggles to understand why; to family and friends who don’t know what they should do. Perhaps the only one who will read this is me. Perhaps that is enough.

This is my story. I won’t pretend to speak for others, but I will commit to telling the truth about my experience. No whitewash. No easy answers. Let me write exactly what happened, as best as I can remember… recalling the thoughts, feelings, and choices that led me down unexpected paths. Because I want to protect others who are part of this story (but may not wish to be known), I am going to change the names and a few of the identifying details.

Viktor Frankl October 28, 2008

The one thing you cannot take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me.  The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.

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When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.

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Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality.

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Each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.

Author Unknown

We can judge others or we can love others but we cannot do both at the same time.

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The four hardest tasks on earth are neither physical nor intellectual feats, but spiritual ones: To return love for hate; to include the excluded; to forgive without apology, and to be able to say ‘I was wrong.’

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It really doesn’t matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven.  Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on.

You Learn by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn’t mean possession and company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child. And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight. After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn…

Whose Responsibility is it to Heal? October 6, 2008

If someone hurts you physically or emotionally, whose responsibility is it to heal that wound?  Yours? Theirs? Or both?  From my experience it comes down to the individual who is suffering to decide whether or not to remain stuck in the pain and trauma or to let go, move on and ideally forgive.  This journey is made abundantly easier with help and remorse from the person who has hurt you, however that is not absolutely necessary.

I have seen cases where the guilty party has tried to express their remorse through words and deeds, and the injured party has refused to accept those gestures.  It seems that sometimes people revel in being the victim and the sympathy that that affords them.  Sometimes the trauma gives a person an excuse not to fully participate in their lives.

At the end of the day, it is your life and the decision of how to live it and how to allow other people to impact it (even family members) lies firmly with your power and control, so choose to live your life fully despite other peoples opinions and actions.